Our Lovely Crack House
History
A couple of years ago I helped start a company. For a little over three years I traveled all over the place writing and installing software. One day, as I was being delivered to the airport, one of my kids leaned out the window and yelled: “Have you told your other family about us yet?” It was about then that I thought; perhaps I should slow down a bit.
I owned two percent of the company, which I sold when I resigned. This left me with a nice chunk of change, but no idea as to where to invest it. In 2002, the stock market was basically marking time; a little up then a little down. Didn’t seem like a prudent place to invest.
It occurred to me that real estate, particularly waterfront property, might be a good investment. So I did what every favorite child does when he is looking for something, I called my Mom. I explained what I was looking for and asked her to keep her eyes open for a nice waterfront lot.
In a matter of days she found me a lovely lot, on a beautiful piece of water, just a few houses down from her. It was totally overgrown with brush and trees; but had a nice dock and a sandy white beach!
With some help from my favorite real estate agent, I quickly bought the lot.
I soon discovered that I got much more than I bargained for! It’s not everyday that one that takes ownership of a local crack house.
Crack House
This is the one-bedroom “cottage” that we found on our “empty” lot. Unfortunately, this picture fails to capture the true essence of this house. However, if you look closely you can see the missing/broken windows and the downspout hanging from the wall.
Shed
What a treasure trove this is!! In addition to the house, we also became the proud owners of this fine shed. Inside we found a rotting wooden box of light bulbs, one water ski and two rusty wagon wheels.
Left Side of the Master Bedroom and Sitting Area
Note the plush interior design features. Please notice the tasteful use of same shade of pale green for beds, walls and chest of drawers.
Right Side of Master Bedroom
As you can see, our Crack House has that “lived-in” look that all crack-heads desire. We are especially proud of the custom wall work in this room.
The Fridge
The fact that this dwelling has not had electricity or running water in twelve years did not deter our visitors from appreciating the upgraded amenities of our house.
Bath Room
This is a close as you want to get to this room! However, the matching drapes and shower curtain convey.
Kitchen
This thoroughly modern kitchen would be the dream of any crack head. With no running water, clean up chores can be ignored without guilt!
Dining Room
A solid wood table dominates the formal dining room. Perfect for couth dinners and late night card games, this table overlooks the septic field. Through the windows you can see the proud new owner and his father digging to uncover the septic tank covers.
Walk-in Closet
From this vantage point from within the master bedroom, you can see the walk-in closet and electrical room. The kitchen and dining areas are visible to the left, while the entrance to the veranda is shown to the right.
Guest Room
In a novel use of architecture, the veranda has been cleverly converted into a guest bedroom. Note the continuing pale green decor maintained throughout, this time on asbestos shingles, thoughtfully placed within breathing distance of the guests.
Front Yard
This expansive view of the yard shows the driveway to the left, cordoned off by day lilies from the beautifully maintained front lawn. The grounds keeper (my father) has recently groomed the property with a bush hog to allow access without the use of a machete.
Rear Staircase
Note the beautiful ivy trimmed stairs leading down to the back yard.
Back Yard
Although it appears that a dirt road runs through the back yard it is actually sand!
Rear View
As this photo shows, one of the best features of this house is that its view is totally obstructed from the water. Crackheads should not fear that the Marine Police might see them from the river.
View of the Dock
Note that the birds really like the dock!
River View
Ok. So, this is the real reason that we bought the house.
Plat View
These are the dimensions of the lot. The blank area in the middle is where we have approval to build a new house. (The semi-circle at the top of the diagram is the stand-off that we have to maintain from the river.)